I’ve been writing in my journals more often lately. There’s a journal in my purse, one on the armrest on my side of the sofa, and one next to my computer used primarily for work. At any given time, I pick up a pen and write down the date and time. It’s rare, but sometimes I just stop there. Why? There are multiple reasons but the most frequent one is fear.
Fear that once it’s written down, my feelings exist and therefore are real. I rarely read my journals after writing because I want to let my feelings live in the journal’s pages instead of inside of my mind. Does it always work? No. Does it work at all? Sometimes.
At one point, I started writing letters to God. This started to feel like a long-form prayer or confessional, neither of which I’m comfortable doing in the first place. I’m on a lifelong journey with my spirituality and faith. I remember watching Buddhist messages on TV at lunch with grandma. Then brought to a Christian baptist church on a weekly basis from middle school and onward to adulthood. Confusing to have both doctrines swimming around in my mind’s area of faith, even in adulthood.
A friend expressed her love of handwriting letters and we shared how it still feels special to open up our mailbox and see a personally addressed envelope. I couldn’t believe it when I heard that some schools don’t teach cursive handwriting anymore. These days, it’s considered calligraphy?! I understand that we can text and email which generates instant gratification. But isn’t the anticipation part of the fun? I remember a school project where we would write to a historical figure as if we lived in their time. It was one of the most engaging learning experiences in school.
By nature and nurture, I’m quite impatient. I’m that girl that interrupts people to finish their sentences. It’s my attempt to form an understanding of the conversation and stay engaged. My mind wanders especially when I’m near multiple conversations as a listener. Writing gives me focus on the sentence and the single recipient. It’s intimate, private, and all done in my own time. Quality over quantity when writing letters to my friends.
Journaling is much more casual as it’s for my eyes only. I can’t stop anyone from flipping through it when I leave it on the table but honestly, why would anyone do that? I’ll be right back, just talk to me if you want to know something 🙂
Anyhow, hope you’re hanging in there, wherever you are reading this. Thank you for sticking around to the end with me!
I came across this quote of the week on a newsletter:
“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.” -Mark Twain
If actions were a plant, attitude would be its seed. My attitude and thoughts have seen happier days. The COVID-19 pandemic didn’t take my physical health but it did steal my corporate job away. Was I alone in being laid off? No. Was it comforting to know that I’m not alone? Yes and no.
It’s tiring to be the mentally strong person in any given environment. It’s so much easier to move on to something else and process reality at a later date. But what if it all bubbles up to the surface at the most inappropriate moment in time and place? What then?
In sharing my own story and experiences, I’ve found it easier to cope with stress and anxiety. Luckily, I have family and friends who understands the crazy randomness that lives within my mind and loves me anyways.
Do you have a person or group that you share feelings with? If you ever need a safe place to vent your feelings, feel free to email me. I enjoy offering comfort and advice by engaging in conversation.
If you prefer no response, please use the subject line, “NO RESPONSE NEEDED” on your email. That way, I’ll know to mark the email as read and file it away.
Whether you are a mother to humans or animals (like me), I wish you a very happy Mother’s Day!
Although we’re sheltering in place for health/safety reasons and showing love from a physical distance, technology has allowed us to be connected in a virtual way. Hopefully the virtual communications and/or gift deliveries can simulate the love we hope to express to each other.
Personally, this has been the best Mother’s Day. As a highly sensitive, INFJ introvert, these unfortunate circumstances has given me an opportunity to reset, recharge and realize different things about myself. As a people pleaser, practicing self care is difficult for me: I don’t like to say “no”. I appreciate the invite, but I feel guilty declining and exhausted after accepting.
I know, this is a luxurious dilemma to have during this pandemic. Nonetheless, these thoughts do exist in me regardless of external events. Although challenging, I’m sure that God will present many opportunities to take care of myself in order to take care of others.
In the meantime, hope that you enjoy this Mother’s Day in whatever way that’s comfortable for you!
I started this blog with the hopes of having a central location of all my finished pages. Coloring is a stress reliever for me in times of anxiety and in times of sitting in front of the TV watching all my beloved programmings. As life’s priorities rose higher on the totem pole of time, making time for coloring sunk lower and lower. Even setting reminders on my Google calendar did not work for me. The option to click “Later” was so convenient.
Pausing coloring has a side effect of idling content for this blog. Although idling, this blog is alive. I liken it to a car, idling in neutral at a stop light or engine warming up in the driveway on a cold morning before a short commute to work. In the meantime, I’ll post my thoughts at least once a month.
To all who are out there in these times, keep and develop maintain healthy habits while staying strong and remembering the words of President Franklin D. Roosevelt:
“So, first of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself—nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance.”
I walk down a road, not remembering how I even got here. Where am I? Everything feels like a dream fading from my memory in the morning after I wake up. Nobody knows me but I’ve been here before. “When have I been here?” How come I know this place so well, yet cannot remember anything else? I walk into the flower district and into an empty flower shop. That’s strange, why is no one else here? As I wander around the shop, I see a business card holder on the cashier’s counter. My name was on the card. Do I own this shop? Who am I? I’ve got to go home and sort this out.
“Taxi!” “3510 Garden Avenue, please.”
As we make our way through the traffic, I realize that this is my parents’ hometown. I haven’t been here in years. Do I move back in with them?
I pay the driver and walk towards the front of the house. As I approach the front door, there’s a key lock box on it. This must be a mistake. Mom and Dad would never sell this house. It’s their first house, the home that holds our childhood memories. I peek into the front porch window and all the furniture is covered in white linen. The unlocked side gate allowed me enter the backyard and take a seat in the patio to gather my thoughts. As I close my eyes, a cool breeze blows across my face.
As soon as the breeze passes, the front door opens and a woman walks through the house into the kitchen. I turn around and peek into the kitchen sliding door. My breathing becomes short and and quick. I’m practically hyperventilating now. That woman is me but in a different dress. What is this?!
Our eyes lock and suddenly, flashbacks of last night flood into my mind. Empty pill bottles cover the carpet of the upstairs bedroom. I’m lying on the floor with a wine glass in my hand, mascara running down my cheeks.
Suddenly, I’m standing in the kitchen looking out at the backyard thinking I saw myself peeking through the sliding door, like an out-of-body experience.
I organized and moved my previous posts to my Coloring Gallery by book. Click the menu above to check it out!
Life’s been a bit busy lately with deadlines at work and at university. I’m currently studying for a Bachelors in Accounting at #WGU while working full time in the finance department at a local corporate office.
As soon as the university program is complete (aiming for June 2020, YAY!!!), more time will free up for coloring and other art projects.